By Faith.

¹ God is our refuge and strength,
    always ready to help in times of trouble.
² So we will not fear when earthquakes come
    and the mountains crumble into the sea.
³ Let the oceans roar and foam.
    Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge! 

Psalm 46:1-3

Lifegroup might have been prayer & intercession, but I wasn’t expecting to be ministered to deeply again.

“You hold my world”, gently cupping it in Your palms; yet here I am, frantically running about like Chicken Little, wailing about the falling sky as if the heavens would crumble with my flailing.

It hasn’t been easy juggling personal matters alongside work. Don’t get me wrong, work is great, and I am grateful for meaningful work that keep my idle hands & mind at the grindstone.

However, my essays remain undone. The deadline has been extended for Duke NUS applications, yet I have been unable to find inspiration to rewrite my essays. The ‘why medicine?‘ question is currently locked beneath an abyss of life descriptions and shallow thoughts. For once, my strong scientific writing has turned into my achilles heel.

I’ll be honest, I’m back on the fence, thinking of giving up. Is this really where God is calling me to? What if I’m wrong? What if I try, and fall short anyway? Is this going to be worth it?

In the past, I used to blind myself to these questions, and try to maintain a jouster’s visor-like gaze on the missional work here & now. Now, in the absence of ‘the harvest time’ pushers to ‘distract’ me, I feel the anxieties loom once again. I can no longer stay unfazed against the silent onslaught of worries like the younger Gid used to.

¹⁰ “Be still, and know that I am God!
    I will be honored by every nation.
    I will be honored throughout the world.”

Psalm 46:10

Simple words. “I believe that You, God, are all  I need.” My mouth utters the words, yet my mind & emotions feel something else entirely. They wrestle with old foes cloaked in new strength. But further still will my spirit wrestle, red to the tooth.

Maybe, I can try, and still end up failing to get into the MD program at Duke NUS.

Maybe, I can put on my best self, and not succeed.

Maybe, I might meet setback after setback.

Maybe, I might succeed, only to find that the other side of the fence was green because the grass was fake.

But the fight to keep eyes on God, to walk with Him unfazed, that fight will continue.

Until the day I die, or the day I see the breakthrough. Bring it.